So let me just get this straight before I even begin. There are too many singles trying to arrange their own relationships and marriages. And on top of that, they are wondering why their relationships are always failing and never working out. There are too many singles trying to make “something” out of what God meant to be absolutely “nothing” at all. If you are a Christian single, you need to be sure that you understand that you are not in control of your love life. You don’t have the right to write your own love story. I don’t care when you “think” you’re ready to get married. I don’t care how long you’ve known somebody. I don’t care how much you “lust” them. If that person is not saved and doesn’t have a relationship with Jesus, then you are settling for less than God’s best for your life. This is not an effort to tag along with what everybody else is probably saying about your relationship, this is an effort to help you open your eyes and see if the person that you are with, want to be with or are thinking about being with is God’s best for your life.
How do I know if Bae is the one?
So I know you are probably wondering, how can I tell if someone is the right one for me? How can I tell if I am with God’s best for my life? How can I identify the “red flags” while I’m courting them? The truth is, you probably already know if this person is not right for you. Many young people know when someone isn’t right for them. All the signs are there. The problem is that we don’t choose to see the signs. Everything about the person says they’re wrong for us and yet we still continue diving head first in a relationship that is not good for us. Then, we have the audacity to wonder why there’s no peace. You can’t possibly force a relationship and try to tag God on to it after the fact. It doesn’t work that way. If your relationship is founded and based off of lust and a wrong foundation, you can be sure that you will create an unhealthy and ungodly soul tie. When unhealthy and ungodly soul ties are created, it makes it almost impossible to have peace. There’s constant fighting and bickering. There’s co-dependency where one person can’t live or breathe without the other person and can’t go 5 minutes without talking to them. There’s manipulation where one person can get the other person to do just about anything they say. There’s crying. There’s control. There’s screaming. There’s verbal abuse. There’s no trust. And the crazy thing about all this is that the 2 people are so tied together that the weaker person in the relationship stays because they fear what life would be like without the other person who has the control over them. And the other person that knows it takes advantage of it and uses manipulation to keep them right where they are. This is a dangerous cycle, but so many of us fall into this deadly trap.
Crazy huh? And yet we as Christian singles are so guilty of this. Not taking my guys off the hook, but ladies, we are the worst at recognizing our value. Why do we stay for the drama? Why do we stay for the madness? Why do we stay and put up with the verbal, domestic and sexual abuse? The truth is that we don’t ever intend to get in a relationship that wasn’t meant for us. We just get so tired of waiting on God to bring His best into our lives, that we take the next thing available and settle for less than God’s best without even consulting with God. So..we establish the relationship on our own and expect it to work. We do everything we can do to keep it together just so we can brag to our friends about how we have the best #MCM or #WCW. When in all actuality, we’re suffering. Can’t sleep. Can’t focus. Missing meals. Snap out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is not what God intended to happen when he had man and woman in mind. God has so much in store for our lives and yet we delay His gifts and His blessings because we don’t want to wait. Not to mention, we don’t want to listen to godly advice that is given to us. We don’t want to hear what our Christian friends and family members are saying. Instead, we choose to block them out because we think they don’t know best. How selfish right?! But, we do it.
So let’s do it like this….Read below to find out if your BAE is really BAE. All jokes aside..All fairness. Let’s go. Here are my top 15 ways to tell if Bae is really Bae…NO SHADE. 🙂
1. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE DON’T PRAY. Is Bae always trying to touch and kiss on you and dishonor your body? If the answer is yes, then BAE AIN’T BAE. If Bae doesn’t love you as Christ loves the Church then Bae ain’t Bae. PERIOD.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
If Bae doesn’t honor God and place Christ first, then how can Bae honor you and love you the right way? If Christ is not the center of Bae’s life, then you can be sure that you will be. And when a human is the center of another human being’s life, this is a recipe for DISASTER. I don’t know about you, but Jesus needs to be at the center of it ALL. Bae needs to be able to speak a word over your life when you are sick or down and out. Bae needs to know HOW and WHEN to pray. Prayer is so important. Question…Has Bae ever prayed for you? Out loud? In public? Is Bae embarrassed to pray at the table over your food? Do you let Bae pray over the food when you are out in public or do you each say your own separate prayer to avoid being seen or heard??? Is Bae afraid to walk down the aisle to the altar to go pray with you? If Bae is scared, you might want to ask why…There’s a problem here. RED FLAG.
2. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE DON’T HAVE A J-O-B. Yeah, uh huh..you laugh…I’m serious. Is Bae a wannabe? Does Bae have all these big dreams and ideas that they have been talking about for the last 2 or 3 years that they can never seem to achieve? Is Bae wanting to be a doctor one week and a pro-football player the next week? Can Bae provide for you and a household if you were to have a family or are they busy still trying to become a rapper or pro-basketball player? Let’s face it gentlemen, wise up. Our men are supposed to be the leaders and heads of our households. If you’re too busy quoting Drake, Jay and Kanye trying to get the next big break, then most likely you’re not very busy quoting the Word of God and preparing to lead a generation. Oops, did I say that? Yes, I did. And ladies, you’re not off the hook!!! Don’t walk around like a man owes you something. Get a J-O-B!!!! Have something to bring to the table to your one day marriage. Just because our men are the providers doesn’t mean that you can’t get a degree and bring home a paycheck!!! Besides, I’m sure your man would appreciate it. Singles should be preparing themselves to become the woman or man that God called them to be. Sitting around idle and wasting time is never helpful to anyone. So you say Bae can’t hold a steady job for 1 year straight??? RED FLAG.
3. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE DON’T READ THE HOLY BIBLE. And no, I’m not just talking about any Bible, I’m talking about the HOLY BIBLE, the infallible Word of God and gospel of the one and only Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If Bae ain’t in the Word, then BEWARE. The first danger is that Bae doesn’t know what’s in it so Bae can’t lead you and if Bae tries, Bae will lead you in the wrong direction. The next danger is that the Word of God is Jesus’ communication and instructions to us…So, when there’s no communication, you don’t understand and you can’t hear what the other person is saying. So, to bring it home, if Bae ain’t reading the Bible, then Bae doesn’t have a relationship with Jesus and Bae is incapable of hearing from the Lord. So I ask you..What books is Bae reading? What books is Bae asking you to read? What magazines is Bae looking at? You can tell a lot about where Bae’s heart is by the material Bae is reading. So you say you’ve never seen Bae read their Bible??? RED FLAG.
4. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE IS ADDICTED TO PORNOGRAPHY. Yep, I said it. Let’s talk about it. Ya’ll are so shocked, but pornography is one of the main sins that trips our men of God up and we have to acknowledge it and deal with it because the struggle is real. And this is not to say that there aren’t women who have these addictions as well, but our men fall victim to this much more and we can’t ignore it. And not just for single men, for MARRIED men too. There are many Christian men that struggle with this addiction in secret because they are embarrassed and afraid to tell anyone. And not only is it tripping our men up, it’s tripping our young boys up and causing them to act out what they see, thus causing more and more rape and sexual harassment cases everyday. The church has the responsibility to address these issues so that we can help our young men. If Bae is struggling with this, this is a RED FLAG because if Bae is doing this before they marry you, then Bae will bring this into your marriage, corrupt you, your marriage and cause hurtful damage that you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. The truth about pornography is that pornography is a sin that plants seeds of lust. And when these seeds are planted, the sin will develop into death.
14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
Not a physical death, although it can lead to a sin that can end in a result of physical death (such as AIDS), but I’m speaking of a spiritual death. When you die spiritually, you become numb to the things of righteousness and the things of God. You can’t hear or see clearly. The sin dulls your senses and it causes you to do things that you never would have thought you would have done. It causes you to go places that you said you would never go. And it causes you to want to be around people who you never thought you would hang around. This is why it is important to guard your eyes and your heart.
“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.”
So if your eye is the lamp of your body, that means that you have to watch what you are taking in through your sight. If your eyes are receptive to darkness, then your whole body will be full of darkness (just the opposite of Matthew 6:22). Even more so, you must guard your heart. When bad seeds are planted in your heart, those bad seeds can take root where they were planted and cause you to be led astray. This is so important.
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”
So, I leave you with this. If Bae’s eyes are full of darkness and bad seeds have been planted in Bae’s heart from Bae’s actions and behaviors, this is simply a RED FLAG. If Bae has some of these issues, Bae may need some Christian counseling. But one thing’s for sure, if Bae doesn’t get help, Bae will continue these same behaviors in your marriage if you marry them. And that’s the truth…You can’t change people. Only Jesus can…
“A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit.”
If Bae is producing bad fruit, then step back and let Jesus work in their life. You can do absolutely nothing to change them. This is not to say that people don’t change, because they do, but sometimes it may take someone 20 years for them to change…Are you willing to wait for Bae to get it together????? I say again, RED FLAG. Ain’t nobody got time for that!!!!!!!!!
5. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE DON’T GO TO CHURCH. So Bae told you that you don’t have to go to church just to say you are a Christian right? This is just another way to keep you from going to church because Bae doesn’t want to go to church. If you have to drag Bae to church and beg Bae to come to church then BAE AIN’T BAE. PERIOD. Bae needs to have a sincere desire to go to church and want to grow in an environment where they can grow spiritually. You shouldn’t be having to drag Bae to church and there shouldn’t be arguments about how much you attend church or how much you show up every time the doors open. If Bae doesn’t love the church, how can Bae love you? The Bible says that husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved the church…Well, if husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, then shouldn’t Bae love the church too? If Bae is reluctant to come to church with you, Bae can’t lead you or your family if you were to have one. If you got married and were sick, wouldn’t you want Bae to ensure your children made it to church even if you couldn’t go??? If you are asking Bae to go to church with you and Bae is constantly giving you excuses as to why they don’t want to go or can’t go this Sunday, this my friends is a RED FLAG.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
6. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE IS VERBALLY OR PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE. The only hands Bae should be laying on you is PRAYING hands…And the only words Bae should be using with you are words that will edify you and your spirit. If Bae is laying hands and tearing you down with their words, BAE AIN’T BAE. I don’t know about you, but I need encouragement. I need to be built up sometimes. I don’t need to be torn down. So, if someone is constantly tearing you down with their words, then BAE AIN’T BAE. RED FLAG.
7. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE DISRESPECTS HIS MAMA. (FOR THE LADIES) Honey, if Bae is disrespectful to his mama, then you can be sure that Bae will disrespect you. If Bae’s mama raised him and took care of him all his life and he still disrespects her, the little dinners that you cook and the little gifts that you give will NEVER EVER be enough to get Bae to respect you. If Bae’s mama can’t control him, you can’t either. And don’t for one second think that you would have been able to…So I say again, if Bae is disobedient to his mama and Bae doesn’t honor his mother, BAE AIN’T BAE. Ladies, RED FLAG.
8. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE CUSSES YOU OUT. Point blank…PERIOD. If Bae curses around you and curses at you, then BAE AIN’T BAE. Who would want someone like this? This is absolutely unacceptable. If he or she is cussing you out now, he or she will cuss you out later. Don’t think a ring is going to change it. Whatever is in a person’s heart is bound to come out. And if someone is cursing, those things that are inside may not be all that good. You should probably rethink this one….RED FLAG.
9. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE HAS A GOLD GRILL, SAGGING JEANS AND ROCKS HIS HATS BACKWARDS. (FOR THE LADIES) If Bae is not presentable and does not dress in a way that you are not embarrassed by him, i.e.. flip flops and socks, sweat pants and a backwards hat, then you BAE AIN’T BAE. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want anyone that I am embarrassed by to represent me ANYWHERE. If you don’t know how to carry yourself and how to dress properly, then you just aren’t the one for me. I’m looking for a leader. Someone who can lead me that I am not ashamed of when they open their mouth and speak. Someone that I am not ashamed of when they step in front of people or an audience. And ladies, these grills got to go!!!!!!!!!!!!! If an employer is skeptical about hiring BAE because of the way he dresses and his lack of ability to conduct a professional, intellectual and casual conversation, then BAE AIN’T BAE. RED FLAG.
10. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE ROCKS MINI SKIRTS AND MINI DRESSES. (FOR THE MEN) So, I had to do this one for the guys. Gentlemen, I’m pretty sure you don’t want Bae walking around in mini skirts and mini dresses for other guys to lust after her right? After all, Bae is supposed to be representing Christ. She is supposed to be making every effort to model after that Proverbs 31 woman. So, if Bae is wearing everything except that which covers her body, then you might want to re-evaluate this. Tight, fitting, and short clothes may be cute to the world and within the world’s standard of how the world says we are supposed to dress, but these ways are not in line with how Jesus wants us to carry ourselves as women of God. Find a woman of God who covers herself and leaves something for imagination. If she’s showing it all now to everybody and they mama, she won’t be afraid to do the same thing when you put a ring on it. As a matter of fact, she’ll question why you care after you put a ring on it. And this my brothers will just cause more drama and problems….A woman who doesn’t cover herself has wrong motives and has a heart that is trying to draw the wrong attention. And if you don’t see that, well then, maybe something’s wrong with this picture….RED FLAG gentlemen.
11. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE IS JEALOUS OF YOUR SUCCESS. Bae is simply INSECURE if Bae is doing this. If Bae is jealous of your success and jealous of the good things that you are doing, then BAE AIN’T BAE. Bae should be supportive of everything that you are doing. When you succeed, Bae should be proud. Bae shouldn’t be the one tearing you down with negative words. Bae should be your #1 supporter!! Bae shouldn’t be discouraging you from doing the things that God has called you to do. If Bae is detouring you from your purpose and your gifts, then you may want to reconsider Bae’s position in your life. A help meet or a soul mate doesn’t pull you down. They are placed to lift you up to a higher place. So, my friends, if Bae is speaking negative things about your increase and you being exalted, you might want to let Bae go. Bae has some serious self-esteem issues that they might not have dealt with just yet. And this is serious…Because if Bae can talk you out of your destiny and divine purpose, then Bae can talk you into doing anything. RED FLAG.
12. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE IS ALWAYS SMOKING & DRINKING SOMETHING. So, let me get this straight, just because someone drinks or smokes does not mean that they are going to hell, but it does mean that they are placing themselves in a position that will lead them there. Our bodies are temples. And if Bae is not honoring their temple, the temple that God gave them, then Bae is not going to honor yours. Alcohol and smoking just aren’t good for you. PERIOD. If the world has statistics that prove that alcohol and smoking can be detrimental to one’s health, then why are we as Christians allowing ourselves to be around it? What makes us any different if we condone the act by placing ourselves in the presence of someone who is doing it? What sets us apart if we are participating in it and doing it with them? God has called us out of darkness into his marvelous light. We are to be examples for the kingdom. So, if we are partaking of the things of the world, then we are just as guilty. The Bible says he who is a friend of the world, has enmity with God. We are supposed to be the salt of the earth…So, if Bae has a drinking and smoking problem, you might want Bae to get that under control before you marry them. Just saying…This doesn’t honor God….And as much as the world says it’s okay, it’s not. RED FLAG.
13. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE IS IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND THINK. So you mean to tell me that Bae controls you and tells you how to dress, when to eat, what to wear, what to say, what to do, where to go, how to live and you actually listen to their every word because you don’t want to lose them????? Snap out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If Bae is controlling you, then clearly Jesus is not the center of your life. The only thing Bae needs to be controlling is themselves. God is in control of you because you belong to God. Until a ring is placed on your finger, you don’t belong to anybody. PERIOD. Hear me out..The moment someone begins to control your thoughts and the way you function, is the moment that you have lost you and who you are in Christ. Your whole identity has been lost. Don’t ever lose your identity in a person. Find your identity in Christ and keep it. Bae is not in control, and if they thought they were, please kindly tell Bae to get to stepping. You should be led by Christ and no one else.. RED FLAG.
14. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE SAYS, “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME.” If Bae is confused, then BAE AIN’T BAE. Clearly Adam knew exactly who Eve was when she was presented. Adam knew her so well, that he named her. If Bae is confused about your relationship and shows “it’s not you it’s me” tendencies, then tell Bae to move on because BAE AIN’T BAE. When Bae is Bae, Bae will KNOW. There will be no confusion as to whether the relationship will work or last. The Lord will already have spoken to Bae and Bae will have already heard from God. So I ask you, is Bae confused about you? Is Bae calling you someone else’s name accidentally? Is Bae wanting to talk to other people and have an open relationship? If your answers to these questions are yes, then BAE AIN’T BAE. Let Bae go. RED FLAG.
15. BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE LIES AND BAE CAN’T BE TRUSTED. So Bae lies to you..And you still want to be with Bae????!!!!! Umm…No! BAE AIN’T BAE. If Bae is lying to you now, Bae will lie to you later. If Bae has a series of moments where he or she lacks integrity while you are courting them, then Bae will have a series of moments where he or she lacks integrity when you get married. A ring changes nothing. Get this in your head. I’ve always been taught, when someone shows you their character and their colors the first time, believe them. Don’t try to make it out to be anything else just to justify staying with them. If they show you bad behavior, believe it. You have a choice. You can either stay there and choose to put up with it, or you can leave and place yourself in a position to receive God’s best for your life. If Bae can’t tell the truth, then Bae has some issues and can’t be trusted. And if you can’t trust Bae while you are courting, you for sure can’t trust Bae when you’re married. BAE AIN’T BAE. RED FLAG..For real.
BAE AIN’T BAE IF BAE KEEPS YOUR RELATIONSHIP A SECRET. If Bae doesn’t talk about you to his or her friends and Bae hasn’t introduced you to their family, you might be the side piece and not the main. If Bae is hiding you and keeping you a secret, you may want to re-evaluate Bae’s motives for the relationship. Is Bae just stringing you along to keep from being lonely? Is Bae just trying to fill a hole until they find the person that they really want to spend the rest of their life with? Ask yourself these questions….If Bae has no end state or purpose for the relationship, then maybe Bae is guilty of just playing games…And Lord knows, ain’t nobody got time for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So the next time you look at Bae’s Instagram or FB account and see that none of your pictures are on it, CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF. Bae ain’t talking about you for a reason. And in all honesty, you probably shouldn’t even waste your time trying to figure out why…JUST LEAVE. Speak with your feet and walk. BAE AIN’T BAE. RED FLAG.
When Friends And Family Members Tell You Bae Is Not The One
Let’s talk about family and friends shall we?!! So, let’s just get this out in the open and out in the clear…Your family and your friends probably already told you that Bae wasn’t the one..but you have ignored them because let’s face it, we want what we want. Just because your family and friends disapprove of your relationship doesn’t mean that they don’t want you to be happy or that they are jealous. Get out of your feelings and emotions! Your family and friends want the best for you. Your family and friends are going to be straight up and keep it real with you. Most likely, they’ve known you for a long time and they love and care about you. Why won’t you listen? Why won’t you be spiritually accountable? Have you ever thought about this? If not, this is something that you should think about. Listen to them..It might save you a lot of heartache.
Being Spiritually Accountable & Having Accountability Partners
So I got it…I got it..you’re grown. You don’t need to be accountable to anybody right? WRONG. This is the main thing that gets Christian singles in trouble. They don’t want to be accountable to anybody. They don’t want anybody to know what’s going on in their relationship. They don’t want anyone asking if there are boundaries set. They don’t want anybody in their business. This becomes a problem because it calls for you to live in secrecy. It calls for you to do what you want when you want and where you want with absolutely no accountability. So I know you’re probably saying that I am strong enough to dictate my actions and not do the wrong thing right? Well, the truth is that we are human and made of flesh. And quite frankly, our fresh is weak. And if we are not filled with the Holy Spirit and the Word of God, then we will fail. Not maybe. Not might. WE WILL FAIL. EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY TIME. Aren’t you tired of failing? Aren’t you tired of doing things your own way? Well, if you are, then get you an accountability partner that you can trust to keep you accountable to your actions. It can be a close friend, mentor, family member or just someone with your best interest at heart who is not biased and only wants the best for you. When you have accountability measures in place, you are less likely to make mistakes. If you don’t have an accountability partner, you should get one. I have one, who’s yours?
“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.”
All In The Name of Love
So we’ve talked about a lot of things…We’ve talked about identifying if Bae is really Bae, we’ve talked about listening to godly friends and family members if they say Bae ain’t the one and we’ve also talked about spiritual accountability. All of these things are so important when trying to consider God’s best for you your life. Don’t just make a good choice, make a GOD choice. When you make a GOD choice, you won’t have any regrets or resolutions when you walk down the aisle. You will have peace in knowing that your soul mate that you are about to marry is Heaven sent…by Jesus Christ himself. So, I encourage you to wait on God’s best for your life. Allow God to place that person in your path. Allow God to bring that person into your life instead of chasing them. Allow God to work on that person’s heart so that they can be who God called them to be. Don’t interfere with your growth process by trying to rush out of your singleness and getting into relationship after relationship. Get whole in Christ first before you try to go mess someone else’s life up…Get yourself together…I don’t know about you but I want a better WHOLE not a better HALF. Continue waiting on God’s best….God has great things in store for you if you wait…Good things come to those who wait. And remember, if you see the RED FLAGS, don’t ignore them. They’ll be there until God changes that person or removes them. Don’t turn a blind eye to the issues…These are issues that need to be dealt with in the presence of God…And if Bae is not willing to get in the presence of God to deal with their issues, then plainly said, BAE AIN’T BAE.
Special Thought to Remember: God is B.A.E….Yes, that’s right..God is BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE. Don’t forget that…Remembering this will save you a lot of heartache. When Jesus is at the center, everything will revolve around righteousness and not ratchetness…smile.. 🙂